Developing emotional awareness in children using emotion coaching

Parents and caregivers play a vital role in supporting the development of emotional awareness and literacy in children. One way of helping children to identify, understand, and regulate their emotions is emotion coaching. It is a process by which parents and caregivers help children learn to manage their emotions in a healthy and effective way.

The concept of emotion coaching was developed by psychologist John Gottman and his colleagues, who found that parents who were able to recognize and respond appropriately to their children's emotions had children who were more socially and emotionally competent.

The five key steps of emotion coaching are:

Step 1. Be aware of your child's emotions - this involves being aware of your own emotions, as much as it is an awareness of your childs emotional state and recognising that these may be different. It also involves being responsive and recognising emotions quickly rather than waiting for the emotional expression to amp up. This step might sound like, “Whoa! I can tell that something’s up right now”.

Step 2. Recognize emotions as an opportunity for connection and teaching - this involves viewing children’s emotions not as an inconvenience but an opportunity to connect with your child and coach them through a challenging moment.

Step 3. Help your child label their emotions - help your child find the words to describe how they are feeling, the use of visuals might be helpful. Here is an emotion faces poster I often use in clinic. Remember that our child, just like us, might be experiencing more than one emotion at a time. This step might sound like, “ You look really (emotion)” or “ You seem (emotion)”.

Step 4. Validate and empathize with your child's emotions - give your child your full attention and reflect back what they are saying in your own words, thus helping them feel heard and that you understand. This helps produce dopamine for your child and strengthen your connection with them so your child knows that you are on their team. This step might sound like, “It makes sense that you feel (emotion) because (reason)”.

Step 5. Set limits while helping your child problem-solve - while all emotions are okay, not all behaviours are, this might involve helping them find healthy ways to express their emotions or helping them problem solve by working collaboratively to identify possible solutions and choosing one to try and then evaluating the effectiveness of the solution. This step might sound like, “It’s okay to feel (emotion), but it’s not okay to do (behaviour)” or “What would be helpful right now?” or “When I feel (emotion), I like to (action), should we do that together?”.

Sometimes these steps might happen quickly and other times it may take some time, even pausing and trying again the next day might be needed, particularly if it is a big problem. This is okay.

By following these steps, parents and caregivers can create an environment in which children feel safe and supported as they learn to manage their emotions. This can lead to greater emotional intelligence, resilience, and overall well-being in children.